0213 Female Led Relationships: Do FLR "Levels" Actually Matter?

I'm just like, listen, rub my fucking feet, and I'm checking out. This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you're not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to, and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle, and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. Welcome back. Guess who's here with me today? I'm waving. Hi, Selby. How are you doing? That was exhausting. It was kind of exhausting. Technical difficulties. Well, to those of you who can't see, we're kind of sitting in our new podcast studio, which is really our dining room converted to somewhere where we can record this. Yes. I really, really enjoy having my Selby on the episodes with me. I hope you all enjoy it too. But I thought this episode would be a good episode for him to be here. We are going to talk about levels of a female-led relationship. And while I despise labels, I almost feel the same about levels, but we'll dive into that in a minute. But first... Housekeeping. What are housekeeping? That's a good question. Let me adjust my bra, because listen, this tank top is kind of squeezing me a little. Anyway, there's a couple of people that I have been emailing back and forth with that I would like to do segments with. Maybe once a month, it will be an episode of recapping the previous episodes, getting an outsider's perspective on the things that were said, and maybe they have something to add. That'd be great. And I also have a doctor that I have been speaking with that I would really like to maybe do either a bonus episode or... I don't know. I haven't worked all the details out, but I think it would be really cool to do an episode every now and then about the medical aspects of different areas of this lifestyle. He is also active in the lifestyle and has some great talking points and great research to back up his talking points. So I think it would be a fantastic addition to the podcast. I received a fantastic email from somebody who had a ton of good questions for the question and answer episode that we are working on. That should be coming up soon. That is also something that would be fun to do maybe as a bonus episode or as a once a month, you email me all your questions. And on this day of the month, we do just a question and answer. My subbie can be here because I know a lot of people are interested in his take on different things because I think sometimes people just assume that I'm abusive or whatever, but it's nice to have him here to give his side of view or his side of our relationship or whatever, just because I think sometimes people wonder if I'm full of shit. Not true. She is not full of shit. I think that covers everything for housekeeping. I think so. Yeah. Okay. Let's dive into the levels of a female led relationship. Let me preface this by saying that the main reason I'm doing this episode is one, because I found it kind of funny. This is your dynamic and for anybody else to put a number to it or a label to it, I think is, I want to say stupid, but it's not stupid. I mean, if this is your dynamic, if this is how you live it and you want to label it with a number. Perfect. Yeah. But I just thought this was interesting. And we chuckled a little bit about where we are on the numbers, but it's kind of all over the place. Yeah. I've had coffee today. Two cups. In fact, out of my nice new Yeti coffee cup that I got for Christmas. This article will be linked in the show notes. It is levels of a female led relationship. There's four, correct? One, two, three, four. Okay. So level one is a lower level FLR. It says in this level, she does not have to dominate her male counterpart in order to apply her decisions. They understand each other and come to a decision together. All the things that the man does for her at this level can't be labeled as too much. So what the fuck does that mean? I don't know. So I guess this is just, this is the tiptoeing in level, right? This is just the, we're kicking the tires. We're figuring out if this is for us. The man is doing some things that are kind of out of normal for, and then there's that word again, but just out of the typical of what a guy usually does for his wife. Maybe he's doing the dishes or maybe he's, I don't know. And let's normalize that. I mean, fuck, men know how to do dishes too. Right. Maybe he's making the coffee in the morning for her and setting it on her nightstand. I don't know. Those simple little things that really could be done, no matter who you are, to be honest. So maybe this level is more of, maybe this level is more just a husband being attentive to his wife, but nothing that's out of the ordinary from the day to day. Kind of, yeah. You've brought it up a notch. That's what I think this level probably is. You're talking about it. You've had conversations or you're having conversations about it. This is somewhere that you might want to go. So you're kind of tiptoeing in. That's what I'm guessing my take on level one. Is this one? Yep. That's not going to work. Nope. Sure isn't. Let me use my finger. Level two, moderate level FLR. As the name suggests, this level is a level which is slightly more than that of the lower one. The woman enjoys leading her man, but in a moderate way. She doesn't understand the extremes of it and generally not capable of fulfilling her companion as well due to her totally different behavior over different conditions. This is kind of not written very well. Choppy a little bit. In such kind of relationships or in these relationships, all right. Women have a point or two where she thinks she is leading the man. This gives her a moral and competence boost. In case of the man, he also enjoys being dominated. But some man wants to be dominated more so. This kind of relationship won't work for them. Okay. So let's translate this, shall we? So this is stepping it up a notch. I would say this is still maybe kind of an entry level. Sorry, that got real loud. That's okay. I took a deep breath and just came out booming. We have a thing for that. The woman, I think this is tiptoeing. This is probably where I feel like we maybe were in the first stages of our, I mean, we kind of jumped right to these stages. We established that you'll call me this. And I think that would be an entry level thing. That's a great point. Things are maybe a little more established from the conversations that you've been having. This is the way this is going to be from now on. And I would like this and I would like that. But that goes both ways. I think that you know, at this level, you've had a little more serious talks and like I was saying, things are more established. You know, the man has communicated what he is hoping to have in this type of relationship. The woman has countered with, no. Right. Or, yeah, maybe I can make that happen or maybe that'll be okay. Or I like that. Fuck yes. I mean, any of the above would work. Fuck yes is my response to chastity always. Right. I think this level, okay, so I guess level one to me would kind of be basically the man doing the day-to-day things without being asked. This level is where maybe some more boundaries have been established, like my title and I'm being referred to that by my title. Or, you know, you refer to me by my name, by the name I've told you I want to be referred to by. And specific things have been assigned, probably at this time. And I will say, you know, it talks about the woman getting a moral incompetence boost. This is a little sidetrackish and I apologize, but this is how my brain works. And if you've been here since the beginning, you just follow along and I appreciate you, but- Grabbing his popcorn. Yes. I'm not going to get on my soapbox just yet. Putting his popcorn back on. I will say that the more I got comfortable in my dominance, the more confident I got in all aspects of my life. And I know I've said this before, but it just made me, it just gave me so much more self-confidence. And I think too, that when you're entering into this, you really need to think about how this works without it becoming, because an area that I struggled with in the very beginning was, you know, this is more work for me. Why the fuck do I want to do this? This is more work and responsibility. And now I have to babysit you to make sure you do the things. Because if you don't, then I have to figure out a punishment for you. So this moderate level is a great way to experiment, I think, with how you can enter into this or navigate this female-led relationship so that it doesn't feel more taxing on the woman who's in control and submissives out there. Just do the things so that you don't have to be babysat. And I mean, and that's a whole nother episode in itself. I mean, we can talk about how to navigate your female-led relationship so that it doesn't feel like extra work. I mean, for me specifically, I'm a mom. We have a fucking shit ton of kids together, you know, and I'm not my stepkid's mom, but I do a lot of the mom things when they're here or mostly for my stepdaughter. But adding onto that kind of, you know, I think a common misconception about these types of relationships is now you're basically like a mom to your significant other. And being able to separate that and realize that it's not a matter of taking care of your submissive, you're telling him what to do, and really there should be nothing more that needs to be done. They should do as they're told and move along. And if he doesn't do what he's told and he should be honest about it, hey, I tried to do this, I didn't get it done. And then in each situation, we'll navigate how we want to do that. Am I going to punish him? And if I am, that's going to bring me pleasure as well. I mean, I don't know how to say that. Like I don't enjoy punishing you, but it's an area of our relationship that's almost like, okay, I do. Yeah, I do enjoy punishing him. But I mean, it's an area of our relationship that, how do I want to say this? It's an area of our relationship that allows us to connect it's another level of connection for us. So it's not the intimate connection that we have. Sometimes this is just another area or level of our dynamic that allows us to connect. He was told to do something. He didn't do what he was told. He was honest about it and said, hey, I didn't get this done. And then depending on the situation, there could be a punishment issued or because our lives are fucking batshit crazy. It could be a situation where there was really no possible way that he was going to get it done. And maybe I just torture him a little bit with a skimpy tank top and short shorts or something for five minutes and along we go. And a punch to the sack. I mean, that's like a daily occurrence. Sometimes. I can't help it. So, yeah. So along with that, so level two could be, you're establishing your, you've established, you know, your, I'm not trying to say. So level two is where you could establish the do's and don'ts and the what happens if you don't. Yeah. Your boundaries. And what happens if you do. Yeah. Your boundaries probably at this level are probably starting to become more defined. Right. Where the first level, they're pretty wide open. Like you just do this and here we are. Let's move on to level three and see if we can translate what this article is saying. The connection between the two is extra formal than comfortable ones, like within the lower level or moderate level FLR. Okay. So I think that translates to this level. We should have picked a better article. Is a little bit more formal and less comfortable. I would assume your boundaries are going to be much more defined. They're definitely defined by now. Not meaning that, you know, it's all whips and chains and, but your boundaries, the things you are supposed to do and not supposed to do are clearly defined and the consequences, whether you follow them. You, and I don't like this line, but it says you could say the relationship is a lot like a month, like, okay, I guess I don't agree with it mainly because I can't fucking read it, but you can say the relationship is a lot like the motherly relationship. I understand that maybe that is a thing for people like maybe, I mean, I suppose I do that to you. I'm very motherly to you. You can be. I'm very nurturing to you. Right. Most of the time. I think that what, this is really interesting actually, because I'm guessing a man wrote this because that point of view is basically all that man would know where a woman is in charge of things. Like your mom is in charge of you, you know, that's probably what he is, you know, paralleling an FLR to, in some way. Well, it goes on to say, this is a lot like the relationship where the male plays the role of a submissive. I guess I would think in this dynamic in general, the male is the submissive and the female is the dominant. But again, I don't like labels. So like, if you don't like how that sounds, master, slave, any of those words, it's really whatever does it for you. And I don't know if you're playing that role. Yeah. I think you're probably embracing that role, accepting that role. You know, by level three, you probably know whether you are or aren't submissive or even if you're a switch, meaning you could be submissive or dominant. But, you know, in this situation, you would be the submissive. I don't know that you're playing a role at this point. Yeah. I would say it's more of a lifestyle choice. You're giving it a lifestyle choice. Yeah. Unless this is something that you're just doing in the bedroom, which again, we're kind of getting on topic. Don't get your popcorn. It's not a soapbox. Damn it. But you can experiment with a female led relationship and start out by doing it in the bedroom if that's your easiest and see how you like it. See if you like dominating your, because I'm talking about us, dominating your man in the bedroom or dominating your partner in the bedroom. See how that feels for you and then let it trickle out into your everyday life, which is totally backwards for everything I say, because I usually say, take the sex out a bit, but I feel like women. I'm speaking from kind of how I would feel in the things that I've heard from people or emails that I've gotten, or just comments and things. I think women are more confident being dominant in the bedroom than they are in their outside life. So that being said, if this is something you want to start with in the bedroom and just take control in the bedroom and see how that feels for you and then see if there's things that can come outside of the bedroom where you can still be dominant. You still feel comfortable and maybe don't feel like it's more work for you because this type of relationship should never, I mean, relationships require work, but it should never feel like work. Like I don't ever feel like our female led relationship is work. Like, and if it, if it ever gets to that point, then we have to re-evaluate because it's not That's where the communication comes back in. Right. So level three, this is where financial decisions come in, free time, important decisions about life, household work, sex, et cetera. Now, I think that sex could come into play in level one, two, three, four, whatever. I think that- I think you address that topic in each of the levels based on the level probably. Yeah. Like, I mean, by level three, is this where I'm pulling your hair and saying, be my bitch or- Maybe. I mean- Yeah. You're working into it anyways. Financial decisions. I don't want to go too deep into that. We've had, we've done an episode on that. I mean, that really is on your judgment. You can take absolute control, full control, and you're the dominant. If you decide you don't want to control the financial things, that's fine. Then your submissive can control those things. And you say, I want money, give it to me. And that's the way it is. Right. These are the conversations that are happening at this level, all these topics, the real big ones. Life decisions too, where you're going to live. If you're not living where you want to live, what kind of career or job you have, that could come into this level too. Not necessarily completely walking out of whatever job you're in, but if the dominant or the submissive, if the wife or the husband has been having issues with work in one way or the other, some decisions can be made as far as that goes. I know that, and I'm not sure if it says it in any of these levels, but I know that it's mentioned in some FLR conversations and blogs and such that the woman is actually the breadwinner taking over the traditional male role. So if the female then becomes the breadwinner or one way or the other provides more of the income, then the male at that point takes the role of taking care of things around the house or whatever. I mean, that is an example of where you could be at this level. Yes. I like it. I think that wraps up level three. Level four, it says this is an extreme level of FLR. The most extreme level of a female-led relationship. These types of relationships are actually very intense and serious ones because it is so extreme. It stands out more than all other levels. That is not what it says, but I'm going to read it that way because otherwise it doesn't make sense. The men are treated as slaves, pets, or some kind of plaything by their female counterpart. BDSM is a must in this level of relationship. I disagree, but both men and women enjoy while, oh, both the man and woman enjoy while the man being the masochist love to live by the whip and the woman love to control and dominate him in every aspect of life. I think that last sentence, the very part of the last sentence is more indicative of this level. I think the woman by level four, again, if we're going by levels, by level four, she is controlling the whole works. She's comfortable in her role. She's real comfortable in her role or just her life at that point. She's comfortable with taking complete charge of what's going on. Listen, you can be in this type of dynamic without the whips and chains. I understand BDSM probably is a major part. It is probably in most female led relationships because anytime you talk about spanking or punishments or any of those things, it falls right into the BDSM label. But the biggest thing I want to put out there is that if the BDSM part of it, there's aspects of BDSM that I don't like. I don't ever want him to wear a mask and I don't really care for the ballgames. You can pick apart what you like about BDSM and run with that. We've talked about punishments in the past. You have to make it your own, what works for your dynamic. It doesn't necessarily have to be spanking, it doesn't have to be spankings. You don't have to hit your partner if that isn't something that you're comfortable with. No. I enjoy it. On that same note though. That's fine though. It was hard for me to get to that point. You have to change your perspective a little bit of it. And that's the part that I struggled with, with the punishments part is you work so hard, you provide for our family and you're just a good guy. It was hard for me in the beginning to want to spank you or hit you. I mean, we're not sitting on the couch watching TV and I just hit him. I mean, not, listen. There are moments. I mean, sometimes I will gently put my fist into his sack with a little bit of firmness. Or sometimes you get up from where you, when you're sitting on the couch and put your foot somewhat, not so gently in my crotch. And that's just part of who we are. Yeah. I mean, our dynamic kind of runs just on its own. We've been, I think we've been doing it long enough. Now, listen, she doesn't like severely kick my balls. Although, I mean, it could happen, but it's playful. It's playful, but it reminds me of who is running the show. So just to kind of sum this up, whatever your dynamic is or whatever your female-led relationship consists of, whatever level you feel you're on, it has to be something that you enjoy. You should enjoy this. I very much enjoy our relationship. And I would say that we have gone through all of these levels, but we are not categorically one of these levels. Is that the right word? Yeah. We are not categorically one of these levels all the time. We go through all four of them constantly. You totally don't have to feel like, oh, I'm not a level two. So I'm not in a real FLR or I've not made it to level three. So my FLR relationship or whatever. So my FLR isn't as powerful or strong or important as somebody in level three. That's complete bullshit. Be whatever level that you're at and don't feel that you have to fit into a cookie cutter. And you sure as fuck don't have to label yourself with a level. Fuck, I mean. And if you want to, that's okay too. Yeah, absolutely. We're not saying that there is a, you have to, or you don't have whatever. Make it yours, do your thing. If you want to use this as a guide, use it as a guide. If you want to throw it out the fucking window, throw it out the fucking window. It was just an interesting article that my subbie actually found. So I just wanted to talk about it mainly because I don't want people to feel intimidated. It's not like your goal, starting a female led relationship is I have to get to this level. Right. It's not a video game. Yeah. True story. Take your time, do what works for you. Be constantly communicating and just know that it's going to change. I mean, one day it can be a hardcore female led relationship where, for instance, for us, I am just real dominant and he's being told to do all these different things. And then the next day, it's not like that at all because life, especially ours, is all over the map. And some days when you're just having a bad day, you just don't have the brain. Like when I have a day where I just don't have the brain capacity to really function, if it's just been one of those days, generally two days before shark week, I'm just like, listen, rub my fucking feet and I'm checking out. Basically, yes. Wives and girlfriends throw it in cruise control and let your husband know, subbie, boyfriend, whatever, that this is not a good time for me to feel like the person you need me to be right now or want me to be or whatever. And subs pick up the slack. If she's ready to check out for a day or two or whatever, whatever it might be, majorly pick up the slack. Do the things that's going to make those days for her that much better. He knows me really well, so he knows, I mean, we're really in tune. So he can see where I'm having a rough day, no matter what it is. I mean, listen, my rough day is probably nothing compared to somebody else's rough day. Sometimes my brain just can't handle the things that are happening and it just is like, listen, we're done. And that happens. And he's really good about it. I think that covers everything. Our Minnesota goodbye. I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas. I hope everyone is staying warm, staying safe. You all have a fantastic week. We'll chat soon. Love you all.