July 13, 2025
0146 Female Led Relationships:Let’s Talk About Talking: Communication in FLR
Sadly I cannot respond directly to your text, so please Email me! We’re back from multiple vacations, we’ve battled bad internet, shady bank activity, and a child-filled Uber—and now we’re hitting you with one of the most essential (but least sexy) parts of a Female-Led Relationship: communication. This week, I dive into a PsychCentral article about Nine Steps to Better Communication—and, surprise!—I have a lot to say about it. This episode is raw, real, rambling, and right from the gut. If...
Sadly I cannot respond directly to your text, so please Email me!
We’re back from multiple vacations, we’ve battled bad internet, shady bank activity, and a child-filled Uber—and now we’re hitting you with one of the most essential (but least sexy) parts of a Female-Led Relationship: communication.
This week, I dive into a PsychCentral article about Nine Steps to Better Communication—and, surprise!—I have a lot to say about it.
This episode is raw, real, rambling, and right from the gut. If you’ve ever felt misunderstood, unheard, or just flat-out confused in your FLR, you’re not alone.
What You’ll Hear Me Rant (lovingly) About:
- Real-life chaos: Vacations, broken internet, kids, and compromised bank accounts
- Surfacy convo vs. real emotional communication—how to spot the difference
- Why “just listening” is harder than it sounds (and yes, I’m guilty)
- Blended families, arguments, and learning to not hyper-focus on the wrong thing
- Tech vs. touch: Is texting about feelings better or worse than saying them out loud?
- Self-awareness, emotional dicklexia, and why I talk with my arms crossed and no eye contact
- The reality that communication isn’t one-size-fits-all—and that’s okay
Krystine’s Take:
“If you can’t be honest with your partner about how you feel—or what you fantasize about—what’s the point of the dynamic?”“You are allowed to feel how you fucking feel. Don’t ever let anyone shame you out of that.”
Episode Vibe:
Warm, slightly chaotic, a little sweary, and full of heart. You’ll laugh, nod, and maybe rethink how you approach serious conversations with your partner—especially when it comes to your dynamic.
Listener Reflection Questions:
- Do you feel emotionally safe enough to tell your partner everything?
- Have you mistaken casual check-ins for actual connection?
- Are you more open through texting, voice, or face-to-face conversations?
- How often do you validate your partner’s feelings (or ask for validation yourself)?
- Are you guilty of bringing up old stuff during current argumen
https://www.krystinekellogg.com/
Email Me! KrystineKellogg@Gmail.com
Want to support the podcast and be involved with the behind-the-scenes, including voting on episode topics, as well as tiptoe with me into this whole "coaching" thing. Find my Patreon HERE!
Keywords:
domestic discipline, female led relationship dynamics, accountability, communication, people pleaser, personal growth, female led relationship challenges, discipline strategies, humor in relationships, shared growth, female led relationship advice, discipline and play, understanding in partnerships, personal anecdotes, physical touch, relationship rules, partnership growth, podcast insights, female-led relationships, submissive rewards, holiday appreciation, partner devotion, relationship dynamics,, control and appreciation, partner confidence, submissive devotion, unique dynamics, balance of control, partner nurturing, relationship empowerment, submissive strength.pegging, female-led relationship, kink, empowerment, dominance, submission, ass play, emotional connection, intimacy, power play, strap-on, control
Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:00.010 --> 00:00:14.029
While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it's primarily about everyday surfacy topics, how were the kids, how was work, how's your mother, you're not really communicating about the important stuff.
00:00:18.050 --> 00:00:21.230
This podcast is intended for mature audiences only.
00:00:21.510 --> 00:00:29.370
If you're not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18.
00:00:29.949 --> 00:00:32.149
This podcast is meant solely for entertainment.
00:00:32.590 --> 00:00:35.490
We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists.
00:00:35.929 --> 00:00:41.850
We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions.
00:00:53.689 --> 00:01:06.510
Welcome back, episode 46, we're going to talk about my favorite subject today, communification.
00:01:07.549 --> 00:01:10.930
I always talk about how communication is key.
00:01:11.930 --> 00:01:24.480
So today I have an article we are going to look at and I'm going to give my opinion, but first let's address some housekeeping.
00:01:33.939 --> 00:01:41.370
Kind of flying by the seat of my pants, we've been on vacation kind of like almost two weeks.
00:01:42.170 --> 00:02:00.730
So as you heard in last week's, we were on the Uber and then we came home for like three days and then went to Iowa for a week or just under a week and then back to camp this weekend.
00:02:01.730 --> 00:02:03.530
So we haven't really been home a lot.
00:02:03.629 --> 00:02:12.830
I haven't really had time to do much of anything because it seems like everywhere we go, we don't have internet, which is going to need to be resolved for when we live in our camper.
00:02:15.189 --> 00:02:16.930
But vacation was good.
00:02:17.729 --> 00:02:21.650
It really sucks trying to get back into the swing of things when you get home, but here we are.
00:02:23.229 --> 00:02:24.969
That's kind of a housekeeping issue.
00:02:26.189 --> 00:02:30.750
So we were on vacation and our bank account was compromised.
00:02:31.409 --> 00:02:32.650
So that was fun.
00:02:32.849 --> 00:02:34.270
Tried to deal with that on vacation.
00:02:35.229 --> 00:02:37.210
It's a whole bunch of fuckery.
00:02:37.729 --> 00:02:42.469
Not sure what the fuck, but anyway, dealing with that.
00:02:43.150 --> 00:02:49.150
Haven't really been present on social media much at all, mainly because of an internet connection.
00:02:49.629 --> 00:02:58.289
And two, I had my kid with us, both in the Uber and in Iowa.
00:02:58.669 --> 00:03:16.639
So it was hard for me to be able to log in and do social media things, but hopefully this week we will be back on track and things will settle down from our multiple vacations in a short time or two.
00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:19.560
Anyway, let's talk about communication.
00:03:25.800 --> 00:03:26.319
Okay.
00:03:26.460 --> 00:03:29.580
So this article is from, it looks like Psych Central.
00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:34.620
The title of it is Nine Steps to Better Communication Today.
00:03:35.900 --> 00:03:44.800
As usual, we will put, well, my subbie will put a link in the show notes in his spare time, which is non-existent.
00:03:47.599 --> 00:03:51.439
Anyway, I don't know what's up with my throat, too much chocolate, whatever.
00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:54.120
Let's take a drink of water before we start this.
00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:01.879
Kind of miss vaping while I'm doing this podcast.
00:04:03.419 --> 00:04:04.060
Okay.
00:04:04.979 --> 00:04:10.460
So again, this is from Psych Central and it's Nine Steps to Better Communication Today.
00:04:12.699 --> 00:04:14.620
Relationships don't exist in a vacuum.
00:04:15.560 --> 00:04:23.160
They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history and expectations to it.
00:04:25.850 --> 00:04:35.910
Two people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication, but better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.
00:04:36.589 --> 00:04:43.189
The most popular myth about communication and relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you're automatically communicating.
00:04:44.029 --> 00:04:57.790
While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it's primarily about everyday surfacy topics, how were the kids, how was work, how's your mother, you're not really communicating about the important stuff.
00:04:58.430 --> 00:05:05.790
So this article is primarily about how to talk more open and in a more open and rewarding manner.
00:05:06.970 --> 00:05:09.110
Ooh, it's going to be that type of episode.
00:05:10.350 --> 00:05:12.329
Buckle up, stutter central.
00:05:13.870 --> 00:05:23.449
This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.
00:05:24.310 --> 00:05:37.709
I think I've talked about this on past episodes too, which we've kind of fallen out of the habit now, but we used to take like five minutes when my subbie got home from work to just kind of talk.
00:05:38.189 --> 00:05:41.069
I mean, minimum five minutes, 20 would be good.
00:05:41.069 --> 00:05:53.870
But I mean, just where we and it was maybe surfacy stuff like how was your day, things like that. But it was also just a time for us to one on one connect and hey, what do we need to do? What needs to get done?
00:05:53.990 --> 00:05:56.550
How was work? What you know, what's stressing you out?
00:05:56.930 --> 00:05:58.629
Just a time for us to connect.
00:06:00.949 --> 00:06:15.170
OK, back to the article, communication either makes or breaks most relationships, you can improve your relationship today, right now by putting into practice some of these tips for improving communication in your relationship.
00:06:16.269 --> 00:06:20.829
And number one, I am very guilty of not doing this.
00:06:21.750 --> 00:06:23.189
Stop and listen.
00:06:23.930 --> 00:06:29.149
How many times have you heard someone say this or read it in an article about communication skills?
00:06:29.810 --> 00:06:33.350
How hard is it to actually do when you're in the moment?
00:06:33.949 --> 00:06:41.149
Harder than it sounds when we're when we're knee deep in a serious discussion or argument with our significant other.
00:06:41.250 --> 00:06:45.509
It's hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen.
00:06:45.949 --> 00:06:48.810
We're often so afraid of not being heard.
00:06:48.910 --> 00:06:50.449
We rush to keep talking.
00:06:51.209 --> 00:06:56.649
Ironically, such behavior makes it all more all the more likely that we won't be heard.
00:06:57.509 --> 00:06:59.389
I'm very guilty of this.
00:07:00.529 --> 00:07:07.689
Not that my subbie and I ever really argue much, but it has happened in the past.
00:07:07.870 --> 00:07:08.790
I mean, it's been very...
00:07:08.790 --> 00:07:13.509
Fuck, I can't remember the last argument we had, but I would suspect that it was...
00:07:13.509 --> 00:07:14.470
Oh, there's that word.
00:07:14.970 --> 00:07:20.209
We're going to do a tally of how many times I say suspect or I suspect.
00:07:21.209 --> 00:07:22.910
Apparently, it's a word I use frequently.
00:07:23.730 --> 00:07:30.930
I think, though, that that last argument that we had probably had something to do with our kids.
00:07:31.410 --> 00:07:33.790
Having a blended family is a real fucker.
00:07:34.970 --> 00:07:36.569
It has its rewards, too.
00:07:36.709 --> 00:07:50.410
But when you are in the early stages of it, which is probably the last time we had an argument, was in the early stages of our relationship or earlier stages of our relationship. And I suspect it was probably about one of our children.
00:07:53.430 --> 00:08:08.310
I am very aware of the fact that when we do argue, he will say one thing that he maybe doesn't mean. And I hyper focus on that and beat it to death in that argument.
00:08:09.149 --> 00:08:10.769
And I really try not to.
00:08:11.529 --> 00:08:18.470
I don't know. It's real hard for me to listen in an argument, too, because I have much to say. And of course, I feel like I'm always right.
00:08:19.129 --> 00:08:20.889
Not always the case.
00:08:21.730 --> 00:08:23.269
So stop and listen.
00:08:31.610 --> 00:08:33.649
Number two is force yourself to hear.
00:08:34.450 --> 00:08:43.889
You've stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say.
00:08:44.370 --> 00:08:47.330
So you're still not really hearing what is being said.
00:08:47.870 --> 00:09:02.389
Laugh all you want, but therapists have a technique that works very well that forces them to really hear what a client tells them, rephrasing what a person has just said to them. It's called reflection.
00:09:04.990 --> 00:09:08.149
See, I kind of already addressed that in my last comment.
00:09:08.870 --> 00:09:17.429
I have so much going on in my head that sometimes even when we're not arguing, just in general, he will say and we're both guilty of this, both of us.
00:09:19.460 --> 00:09:22.840
He'll say that he told me something and I do not remember him telling me.
00:09:23.179 --> 00:09:29.759
However, if you tell me something while I'm doing something else, chances are my ears are not working as they should.
00:09:31.779 --> 00:09:33.720
Same with him. What do you mean?
00:09:33.740 --> 00:09:35.000
You never told me about that.
00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:36.340
Sure fucking did.
00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:45.340
It does say this may upset your partner if you do it too much or you do it in a tone that suggests you're mocking rather than trying to seriously listen.
00:09:46.259 --> 00:09:59.899
So use the technique sparingly and let your partner know why you're doing it if they ask. Sometimes I don't think I'm getting what you're telling me and doing this lets me slow my mind down a bit and really try and hear what you're saying.
00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:03.039
I think this is a good point.
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:06.519
We learned this in school when I was going to school for H.R.
00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:18.460
It it talks about how you don't have to rephrase everything that they said, but pull maybe some key points out when you're talking or responding or whatever.
00:10:18.600 --> 00:10:26.000
And sometimes that can just be validating their feelings or just kind of validating what they said and showing them that you heard what they said.
00:10:29.379 --> 00:11:02.980
I think it's important to validate feelings or really know that you are hearing what your partner has to say if you're talking about lifestyle things, because if something happens and you've had a discussion and you maybe forgot, I don't know, the lifestyle can be tricky and it can absolutely cause a huge divide between the two of you. Like communication is so important and understanding and validating your partner's feelings, whatever they may be.
00:11:05.399 --> 00:11:13.370
OK, this is a good one, too.
00:11:13.730 --> 00:11:16.549
Number three, be open and honest with your partner.
00:11:17.470 --> 00:11:20.690
Some people have never been very open to others in their life.
00:11:20.809 --> 00:11:27.789
Heck, some people might not even know themselves or know much about their own real needs and desires.
00:11:28.090 --> 00:11:44.309
But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself. Little lies turn into big lies, hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invisibility might work for you, but won't work for most others.
00:11:44.990 --> 00:11:47.950
Pretending everything is all right isn't all right.
00:11:48.190 --> 00:12:01.809
And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert at night, these things may have worked for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication.
00:12:02.750 --> 00:12:09.549
Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life.
00:12:10.149 --> 00:12:15.509
It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner completely and unabashedly.
00:12:16.389 --> 00:12:17.870
I think that's how you say that word.
00:12:18.429 --> 00:12:29.190
It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment, but it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.
00:12:31.220 --> 00:12:33.320
I have never in my life.
00:12:34.659 --> 00:12:53.529
Been more open and honest with anyone than my subbie and maybe I don't know, there may have been a couple of friends that probably I mean, I have a couple of friends that know a lot about me, but my subbie also knows those things as well.
00:12:54.129 --> 00:13:04.610
I felt very relaxed with him from the get go and being open and honest with him about things that I would normally be embarrassed about talking about, like sex or things that turn me on.
00:13:05.350 --> 00:13:07.870
I never felt embarrassed to tell him those things.
00:13:08.110 --> 00:13:17.809
And I learned a lot about myself in the conversations that the two of us had about sex or different kinks or things like that.
00:13:18.149 --> 00:13:20.529
Things that maybe have always turned me on.
00:13:20.629 --> 00:13:23.970
And he pointed out and said, do you think maybe this is something you really enjoy?
00:13:24.970 --> 00:13:26.909
I never thought about it that way.
00:13:27.549 --> 00:14:07.519
He has really shaped who I am just by us having open and honest communication about things. I think if you can't be completely open and honest now, all that being said, I understand the damage that years and years of our relationship or even just a few months of our relationship with somebody who laughed at you for things or made fun of you for things that you maybe enjoyed or maybe it was just about your appearance or anything like that.
00:14:08.200 --> 00:14:12.799
I can't I understand to my core the damage that that causes.
00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:23.059
And I really think having somebody in your corner that truly unconditionally listens to you and allows you to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets.
00:14:24.179 --> 00:14:31.840
Is one of the most solid parts of having a healthy relationship and solid foundation to your relationship.
00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:41.179
I don't know that there's anything in this world that I would lie to my subbie about at all. Like there's nothing that I would hide from him.
00:14:41.620 --> 00:14:43.740
There's nothing I'm ashamed to tell him.
00:14:46.769 --> 00:14:48.149
I just think that.
00:14:49.730 --> 00:14:54.269
Everybody should have that one person and maybe it doesn't have to be your partner, but.
00:14:55.549 --> 00:14:57.149
I'm real glad mine is.
00:14:58.570 --> 00:14:59.090
Anyway.
00:15:00.250 --> 00:15:01.690
I say that a lot, too.
00:15:01.809 --> 00:15:02.210
Anyway.
00:15:09.049 --> 00:15:12.470
OK, number four, pay attention to nonverbal signs.
00:15:13.250 --> 00:15:15.029
Oh, I am not an observant person.
00:15:15.230 --> 00:15:16.169
This should be interesting.
00:15:17.669 --> 00:15:24.090
Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn't what we say, but how we say it.
00:15:24.470 --> 00:15:33.929
Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, how far away you are when you talk to someone else.
00:15:34.409 --> 00:15:41.049
Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying.
00:15:41.929 --> 00:15:56.250
Reading your partner's nonverbal skills takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they're really saying, such as folded arms in front of the person may mean they're feeling defensive or closed off.
00:15:56.929 --> 00:15:58.190
Lack of eye contact.
00:15:58.190 --> 00:15:59.929
OK, first of all, folded arms.
00:16:00.429 --> 00:16:03.789
I stand like that a lot or I sit like that a lot just because it's comfortable.
00:16:04.309 --> 00:16:06.070
I rest them right under my boobs.
00:16:06.669 --> 00:16:07.269
It's real comfortable.
00:16:09.029 --> 00:16:11.210
And I think I stand like that a lot, too.
00:16:12.610 --> 00:16:15.629
But I don't think I feel defensive or closed off when I do it.
00:16:16.830 --> 00:16:18.250
Self-evaluation time.
00:16:19.450 --> 00:16:27.370
Lack of eye contact may mean that they're not really interested in what you're saying, are ashamed of something or find it difficult to talk about something.
00:16:28.970 --> 00:16:30.990
I think I'm socially awkward.
00:16:31.690 --> 00:16:36.649
Sometimes it's hard for me to make eye contact because I don't want people to think I'm creepy. I don't.
00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:43.419
Maybe I need to be better at lack or at not lacking eye contact.
00:16:43.759 --> 00:16:46.120
I start staring people right in their pupils.
00:16:49.179 --> 00:16:55.860
Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved.
00:16:56.200 --> 00:16:59.960
It might also suggest they feel like they're not being heard or understood.
00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:04.940
I'm a real loud person, too, I think.
00:17:05.019 --> 00:17:06.240
I think I talk real loud.
00:17:09.180 --> 00:17:11.858
Hmm. I'm not a very good communicator.
00:17:12.460 --> 00:17:13.578
I always have my arms folded.
00:17:13.940 --> 00:17:15.420
Don't generally make eye contact.
00:17:15.799 --> 00:17:16.618
I'm real loud.
00:17:16.818 --> 00:17:19.400
I don't know if I'm aggressive, but I'm loud.
00:17:20.838 --> 00:17:23.338
Someone who's turned away from you when you.
00:17:24.380 --> 00:17:29.440
Someone who's turned away from you when talking to you may even may.
00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:30.960
Let's try this again.
00:17:31.299 --> 00:17:32.259
Oh, sorry about that.
00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:50.990
Someone who's turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off. I don't think I do that, but I am fucking loud, lack eye contact and bold arms. I don't know how much of this I believe because I.
00:17:53.369 --> 00:18:08.210
Maybe I'm generally interested in a lot of what people have to say, if you're I mean, if I'm talking to someone, I'm usually pretty engaged in the conversation, but I don't know if I. I'm going to have to be more observant about how I communicate.
00:18:12.190 --> 00:18:31.210
I don't know, I think now I'm trying to think if my subbie makes eye contact, it seems like sometimes when we're talking, we're both looking at our tablets or computers or phones. Sometimes I do get real bitchy about that, though, if he's looking at his phone and I'm talking to him, I'll stop talking to him until he's done looking at his phone.
00:18:31.910 --> 00:18:45.390
While he's probably more than capable of listening to what I have to say, I feel like if I wait until he's done doing what he's doing on his phone, he will retain what I'm telling him, though it's probably not anything life or death.
00:18:47.609 --> 00:18:52.250
Sometimes I feel like the information sticks better if he's not looking at his phone.
00:18:53.750 --> 00:19:00.990
All the while you're reading your partner's nonverbal signals, be aware of your own make and maintain eye contact.
00:19:01.150 --> 00:19:02.170
It's real hard for me.
00:19:02.890 --> 00:19:10.069
Keep a neutral body stance, also real hard for me, and the tone of your voice and sit next to the person when you're talking to them.
00:19:10.369 --> 00:19:17.289
I can sit next to a person when they're talking to me, but sometimes I don't want people in my bubble. Back up, stay out of my bubble.
00:19:18.750 --> 00:19:24.029
Tone of my voice, I think the tone of my voice is pretty accurate.
00:19:24.170 --> 00:19:27.450
I think that my tone changes with whatever my brain is feeling.
00:19:27.450 --> 00:19:29.970
So it's might be pretty accurate.
00:19:31.349 --> 00:19:36.930
Number five, stay focused on, stay focused in the here and now.
00:19:37.470 --> 00:19:43.750
Sometimes discussions turn into arguments that can morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink.
00:19:44.289 --> 00:19:53.009
To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion or argument focused on the topic at hand.
00:19:53.410 --> 00:20:00.750
While it's easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, just don't.
00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:04.910
If the argument is about who's making dinner tonight, keep it to that topic.
00:20:06.009 --> 00:20:15.109
Don't veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who's responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink.
00:20:16.349 --> 00:20:42.410
I think my subbie is probably the only partner that I can honestly say I don't do this to. If we are arguing again, we don't do that very often, but we are both very conscious of the fact that we do not bring up past things, whether it is past people, past actions, past arguments, past mistakes that we have hopefully learned from and moved on.
00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:49.920
Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger.
00:20:49.920 --> 00:20:58.859
One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally.
00:20:59.819 --> 00:21:07.920
But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, look, I can see this isn't going to get any better by discussing it tonight.
00:21:08.339 --> 00:21:12.500
Let's sleep on it and try and talk about it with fresh eyes in the morning, OK?
00:21:13.920 --> 00:21:16.039
Oh, I sleep like shit if we do that.
00:21:16.460 --> 00:21:24.380
I think that's only happened a couple of times in our entire relationship where we just have to go to bed and sleep it off.
00:21:24.579 --> 00:21:25.740
But I sleep like shit.
00:21:26.259 --> 00:21:31.680
And generally I wake up bitchy in the morning, which lately I've just been waking up bitchy in the morning.
00:21:32.619 --> 00:21:37.819
Never really been much of a morning person, but lately I've been a real cunt in the morning and I don't know why.
00:21:38.740 --> 00:21:42.460
Maybe I'm not sleeping well or he's doing something naughty in my dreams.
00:21:43.019 --> 00:21:44.640
Hard to say. Not good naughty.
00:21:46.259 --> 00:21:48.960
So I agree with this one 100 percent.
00:21:49.339 --> 00:21:53.240
Try to really not bring up things in the past.
00:21:55.329 --> 00:22:16.849
If something that your partner did to you in the past still really bothers you, you have to sit with that and figure out why it still bothers you and maybe sit down in a calm manner or a calm fashion and discuss it with your partner or figure out how you can heal yourself and let that fucking go and move on.
00:22:18.109 --> 00:22:19.410
It's not easy.
00:22:19.750 --> 00:22:21.309
It's really not easy.
00:22:21.789 --> 00:22:25.470
I also can feel that one to my core.
00:22:26.089 --> 00:22:32.410
It is real hard to let go of things that really hurt in the past.
00:22:33.289 --> 00:22:40.269
But if you're still with that person that did something hurtful to you.
00:22:41.390 --> 00:22:43.289
You got to figure out how to let it go.
00:22:43.410 --> 00:22:45.049
It can't keep coming up in arguments.
00:22:45.049 --> 00:22:48.750
It is not healthy and eventually it will ruin your relationship.
00:22:56.000 --> 00:23:02.420
Number six, try to minimize emotion when talking about important big decisions.
00:23:03.259 --> 00:23:06.900
Nobody can talk about important big matters if they feel emotional a bit.
00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:09.779
I do not know what's up my mouth.
00:23:10.200 --> 00:23:11.599
Maybe I need to put a wiener in it.
00:23:12.180 --> 00:23:18.339
Big matters if they feel emotionally vulnerable or charged up and angry.
00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:26.980
Those are not times to talk about the serious issues like money, getting married, the kids or retirement.
00:23:27.660 --> 00:23:45.890
You might think it impossible or even big word or struggle or even contradictory to talk about an emotional topic like getting married or having children without emotion.
00:23:46.410 --> 00:23:54.269
And yet these discussions need to keep a foothold of rationality to them in order to not gloss over the realities that they bring.
00:23:54.269 --> 00:24:01.390
Marriage, for instance, brings the combining of households and living with another person day to day.
00:24:01.950 --> 00:24:15.109
Having kids isn't just about cute toddler clothes and painting a nursery, but talking about who's going to change diapers, feed the newborn and be available at all hours of the day and night for months on end.
00:24:18.529 --> 00:24:19.490
I don't know.
00:24:21.720 --> 00:24:26.539
I don't know that there was ever a whole bunch of emotion in us deciding to move in together.
00:24:26.539 --> 00:24:34.049
We should have had those discussions in past relationships for fucking sure.
00:24:34.509 --> 00:24:37.910
But I think that's a good one.
00:24:45.690 --> 00:24:50.170
Seven, be ready to seed an argument.
00:24:53.539 --> 00:25:02.740
How many times do we continue to argue or have a heated discussion because we simply want to be right?
00:25:03.339 --> 00:25:05.940
Oh, there is that.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:11.119
I've talked about this sense of needing to win arguments more than once.
00:25:11.420 --> 00:25:22.200
Why? Because so many of couples arguments revolve around one party thinking they are right and the other party not willing to concede to the point or back off.
00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:27.480
In fact, though, both parties need to back off.
00:25:28.259 --> 00:25:35.480
By doing this, you by doing this, are you giving up a piece of yourself by compromising and not insisting on how right you are?
00:25:35.940 --> 00:25:39.339
Well, that's sometimes the only thing you can decide.
00:25:40.559 --> 00:25:46.180
Would you rather be in a happy relationship where you respect the other person, even if you may occasionally disagree with them?
00:25:46.460 --> 00:25:51.500
Or would you rather be in an unhappy relationship where you know you're always right no matter what?
00:25:52.099 --> 00:25:53.799
It just comes down to your priorities.
00:25:54.559 --> 00:26:05.059
If being right is more important than you, if being right is more important to you than your partner's happiness, then perhaps you have not found the right partner.
00:26:07.460 --> 00:26:09.220
I sure do like to be right.
00:26:09.579 --> 00:26:13.339
However, I'm pretty good about admitting when I'm wrong.
00:26:14.339 --> 00:26:15.759
As is my subbie.
00:26:17.039 --> 00:26:24.339
And most of the time he just I don't I don't know if this is really an issue for us in the past.
00:26:25.200 --> 00:26:37.079
There were times not with my subbie, but in past relationships, there were times I fucking knew I was right, fucking knew I was right and I could have proved I was right. But listen, you got to choose your battles.
00:26:38.259 --> 00:26:45.519
I didn't have the energy for the argument that was going to ensue from proving that that motherfucker was wrong.
00:26:46.160 --> 00:26:48.240
I know a little aggression about it yet.
00:26:50.119 --> 00:26:53.900
Number eight, humor and playfulness usually help.
00:26:54.900 --> 00:27:09.819
You don't have to be funny in order to use humor and playfulness in everyday conversations, you just need to use the sense of humor you do have and try to and try to inject it into more of your communications with your partner.
00:27:10.759 --> 00:27:17.000
Humor helps lighten everyday frustrations and helps put things into perspective more gently than other methods.
00:27:20.319 --> 00:27:29.079
Playfulness reminds us that even as adults, we all have a side to us that enjoys fun and taking a break from the seriousness of work and other demands made on us.
00:27:30.680 --> 00:27:35.200
First thing that comes to mind when I read this is my subbie and I have this little game that we play.
00:27:35.640 --> 00:27:39.680
It's real fun, makes everything kind of dirty.
00:27:41.039 --> 00:27:49.180
But if one of us says something that even remotely sounds dirty, we'll use the word often or never.
00:27:50.319 --> 00:27:52.400
It's a fun game we play in front of the kids.
00:27:52.539 --> 00:27:54.119
Most of the time they don't catch on.
00:27:54.539 --> 00:27:55.599
Our kids are older.
00:27:55.940 --> 00:27:59.920
I mean, obviously my 11 year old doesn't catch on.
00:27:59.920 --> 00:28:08.690
But for instance, I don't know, like if I'm doing something, I'm like, gosh, this is really hard to get off.
00:28:08.930 --> 00:28:12.250
My husband will say never or rarely, often or rarely.
00:28:13.250 --> 00:28:21.470
You know, he'll make a comment of rarely or often as in relation to our sex life or just dirtiness in general.
00:28:22.150 --> 00:28:32.259
It's a fun way we kind of make each other giggle and it's kind of our own fun little game. Nine, communicating is more than just talking.
00:28:32.819 --> 00:28:38.079
To communicate better and more effectively in your relationship, you don't have to talk.
00:28:38.559 --> 00:28:45.940
You can communicate in other ways through your actions and nowadays electronically, too, through email, Facebook, blogs, texting or Twitter.
00:28:46.359 --> 00:28:53.660
All too often, couples focus on talking on the talking aspect of their relationship, but your actions also speak loudly.
00:28:54.599 --> 00:29:03.079
Keeping in touch throughout the day or week through email or other electronic means also reminds the person you're thinking about them and how important they are in your life.
00:29:03.799 --> 00:29:10.819
Even if such communications are mainly playful or inconsequential, they can help lighten your partner's day and improve their mood.
00:29:11.599 --> 00:29:21.720
Some couples also find that using email and another method email or another method is easier to discuss emotional issues rather than trying to do so face to face.
00:29:22.299 --> 00:29:30.859
It's something to consider if every time you try to bring up a particular topic with your significant other, it turns into an argument or they shy away from it.
00:29:32.440 --> 00:30:14.210
Email or texting may be a way of communicating about such matters more openly and directly. OK, I'm terrible at this because I think this is a great way to communicate about things that you're maybe not comfortable talking to your partner about face to face because in the beginning, things that maybe were brought up, I think some of it was brought up via phone or text because it was very new and my reaction wasn't, I don't know, my reaction wasn't bad, but he didn't know what my reaction was going to be like and he felt more confident in what he had to say because he can be kind of a keyboard warrior, my subbie.
00:30:16.210 --> 00:30:16.609
So.
00:30:18.650 --> 00:30:23.529
Doing email or texting is great, my biggest.
00:30:25.250 --> 00:30:36.230
Dislike of either is I don't know if I have like emotional dyslexia, I have emotional dicklexia or dyslexia.
00:30:37.009 --> 00:30:39.630
I think that I interpret things.
00:30:40.869 --> 00:30:47.910
Not the way they're intended or I say things and they're interpreted not the way they were intended.
00:30:48.809 --> 00:31:05.359
That's why I feel a face to face conversation for me personally is so much better because I think things go from my eyes to my brain the first time I read it one way and then I go back and I read it again and it comes back a completely different way.
00:31:07.660 --> 00:31:12.640
I think I do much better with verbal communication rather than written, but.
00:31:14.019 --> 00:31:22.319
I don't know, I mean, this could I mean, we had some pretty in-depth conversations in the very early stages of our relationship because we were two hours away from each other.
00:31:23.099 --> 00:31:29.119
So all of what I just said is one thing, but I did do this for quite some time.
00:31:29.819 --> 00:31:36.019
I much prefer now to do it face to face, but we've still had some pretty good conversations.
00:31:37.740 --> 00:31:39.440
My subbie is very good at.
00:31:40.859 --> 00:31:41.380
Discerning.
00:31:42.839 --> 00:31:53.579
My mood or I don't know if I use that right, because, you know, big words on a Sunday night is not a good thing for me after a vacation for a week, but.
00:31:55.299 --> 00:32:00.579
He's very good at making sure I understand exactly how he's bringing his point across.
00:32:00.819 --> 00:32:03.980
And at the point we're at now, I know him well enough.
00:32:05.200 --> 00:32:12.559
To know his moods or how he is approaching a situation or how he's talking to me.
00:32:13.400 --> 00:32:24.700
I can, I can interpret that through the text or I know that, you know, something might come off as being dickheadish, but it's not or, you know, whatever the case may be.
00:32:25.240 --> 00:32:27.440
I would be leery or not leery.
00:32:27.700 --> 00:32:38.779
I would just be cautious with emails and text messages about important conversations when it comes to lifestyle things or your feelings.
00:32:39.119 --> 00:32:41.960
It might be easier to talk about your feelings through a text.
00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:45.539
Just make sure it's coming across right, maybe.
00:32:47.079 --> 00:32:54.380
Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time, but you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of these tips.
00:32:54.779 --> 00:32:57.720
They won't all work, nor will they all work all the time.
00:32:58.380 --> 00:33:05.900
Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride.
00:33:13.500 --> 00:33:19.140
So to kind of wrap this up, I have said this since probably episode one.
00:33:20.220 --> 00:33:23.579
Communication is key, just like your lifestyle.
00:33:24.299 --> 00:33:25.779
Everybody communicates differently.
00:33:26.359 --> 00:33:27.859
Everybody has their own dynamic.
00:33:28.900 --> 00:33:37.420
If you are in a new relationship with someone and you are not sure of how they communicate or you feel like you're taking something they're saying wrong.
00:33:38.680 --> 00:33:42.880
Just be open, like, you know, address it.
00:33:43.160 --> 00:33:47.960
Hey, you said this and I kind of felt like you, this is how it kind of made me feel.
00:33:47.960 --> 00:33:48.960
Was that your intention?
00:33:49.420 --> 00:34:07.539
Or I think if people could stop, for lack of a better word, pussyfooting around things, I mean, why do we have to feel guilty about expressing how we feel?
00:34:07.638 --> 00:34:10.159
How come people are embarrassed by their feelings?
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:11.400
Like, when did this happen?
00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:13.260
Has this been around forever?
00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:16.659
I mean, just say how you feel.
00:34:16.659 --> 00:34:22.400
Can you imagine all the miscommunications you could get rid of if you would just be like, whoa, that fucking hurt my feelings.
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:23.619
Why did you do that?
00:34:24.460 --> 00:34:27.920
I think sometimes people hurt your feelings and don't even fucking realize they're hurting your feelings.
00:34:29.619 --> 00:34:32.480
I think open communication and don't be embarrassed.
00:34:32.840 --> 00:34:35.480
You are allowed to feel how you fucking feel.
00:34:35.760 --> 00:34:39.760
Don't ever let anybody make you feel bad because you feel a certain way.
00:34:40.539 --> 00:34:42.699
And maybe you won't always feel that way.
00:34:42.699 --> 00:34:57.519
Maybe if you sit down and talk about why you feel this way, you'll realize something that maybe is in you that you can change so you don't feel that way anymore. Self-work is a bitch, but the reward is worth it.
00:34:58.960 --> 00:35:02.519
Anyway, enough of my rambling for this wonderful Sunday.
00:35:03.420 --> 00:35:05.920
I hope everybody had a fantastic week.
00:35:06.539 --> 00:35:09.059
I hope you have a fantastic week coming up.
00:35:10.400 --> 00:35:11.940
I have no idea.
00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:16.219
I would really like to have my campground friends on the podcast next week.
00:35:16.300 --> 00:35:22.239
They were supposed to be on this week, but we did not have all the supplies supplies to make that happen.
00:35:23.159 --> 00:35:25.480
I would really like it to happen next week.
00:35:25.960 --> 00:35:27.139
So that is my goal.
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:29.579
To have them on.
00:35:29.820 --> 00:35:31.639
And I think you guys will all love them.
00:35:31.719 --> 00:35:34.280
They're fantastic people, as I keep saying.
00:35:36.199 --> 00:35:37.599
Be good human beings.
00:35:37.780 --> 00:35:39.039
Have a fantastic week.
00:35:39.059 --> 00:35:42.800
And I can't wait to talk to you next week.
00:35:43.119 --> 00:35:44.519
Take care. Love you all.
00:00:00.010 --> 00:00:14.029
While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it's primarily about everyday surfacy topics, how were the kids, how was work, how's your mother, you're not really communicating about the important stuff.
00:00:18.050 --> 00:00:21.230
This podcast is intended for mature audiences only.
00:00:21.510 --> 00:00:29.370
If you're not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18.
00:00:29.949 --> 00:00:32.149
This podcast is meant solely for entertainment.
00:00:32.590 --> 00:00:35.490
We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists.
00:00:35.929 --> 00:00:41.850
We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions.
00:00:53.689 --> 00:01:06.510
Welcome back, episode 46, we're going to talk about my favorite subject today, communification.
00:01:07.549 --> 00:01:10.930
I always talk about how communication is key.
00:01:11.930 --> 00:01:24.480
So today I have an article we are going to look at and I'm going to give my opinion, but first let's address some housekeeping.
00:01:33.939 --> 00:01:41.370
Kind of flying by the seat of my pants, we've been on vacation kind of like almost two weeks.
00:01:42.170 --> 00:02:00.730
So as you heard in last week's, we were on the Uber and then we came home for like three days and then went to Iowa for a week or just under a week and then back to camp this weekend.
00:02:01.730 --> 00:02:03.530
So we haven't really been home a lot.
00:02:03.629 --> 00:02:12.830
I haven't really had time to do much of anything because it seems like everywhere we go, we don't have internet, which is going to need to be resolved for when we live in our camper.
00:02:15.189 --> 00:02:16.930
But vacation was good.
00:02:17.729 --> 00:02:21.650
It really sucks trying to get back into the swing of things when you get home, but here we are.
00:02:23.229 --> 00:02:24.969
That's kind of a housekeeping issue.
00:02:26.189 --> 00:02:30.750
So we were on vacation and our bank account was compromised.
00:02:31.409 --> 00:02:32.650
So that was fun.
00:02:32.849 --> 00:02:34.270
Tried to deal with that on vacation.
00:02:35.229 --> 00:02:37.210
It's a whole bunch of fuckery.
00:02:37.729 --> 00:02:42.469
Not sure what the fuck, but anyway, dealing with that.
00:02:43.150 --> 00:02:49.150
Haven't really been present on social media much at all, mainly because of an internet connection.
00:02:49.629 --> 00:02:58.289
And two, I had my kid with us, both in the Uber and in Iowa.
00:02:58.669 --> 00:03:16.639
So it was hard for me to be able to log in and do social media things, but hopefully this week we will be back on track and things will settle down from our multiple vacations in a short time or two.
00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:19.560
Anyway, let's talk about communication.
00:03:25.800 --> 00:03:26.319
Okay.
00:03:26.460 --> 00:03:29.580
So this article is from, it looks like Psych Central.
00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:34.620
The title of it is Nine Steps to Better Communication Today.
00:03:35.900 --> 00:03:44.800
As usual, we will put, well, my subbie will put a link in the show notes in his spare time, which is non-existent.
00:03:47.599 --> 00:03:51.439
Anyway, I don't know what's up with my throat, too much chocolate, whatever.
00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:54.120
Let's take a drink of water before we start this.
00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:01.879
Kind of miss vaping while I'm doing this podcast.
00:04:03.419 --> 00:04:04.060
Okay.
00:04:04.979 --> 00:04:10.460
So again, this is from Psych Central and it's Nine Steps to Better Communication Today.
00:04:12.699 --> 00:04:14.620
Relationships don't exist in a vacuum.
00:04:15.560 --> 00:04:23.160
They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history and expectations to it.
00:04:25.850 --> 00:04:35.910
Two people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication, but better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.
00:04:36.589 --> 00:04:43.189
The most popular myth about communication and relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you're automatically communicating.
00:04:44.029 --> 00:04:57.790
While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it's primarily about everyday surfacy topics, how were the kids, how was work, how's your mother, you're not really communicating about the important stuff.
00:04:58.430 --> 00:05:05.790
So this article is primarily about how to talk more open and in a more open and rewarding manner.
00:05:06.970 --> 00:05:09.110
Ooh, it's going to be that type of episode.
00:05:10.350 --> 00:05:12.329
Buckle up, stutter central.
00:05:13.870 --> 00:05:23.449
This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.
00:05:24.310 --> 00:05:37.709
I think I've talked about this on past episodes too, which we've kind of fallen out of the habit now, but we used to take like five minutes when my subbie got home from work to just kind of talk.
00:05:38.189 --> 00:05:41.069
I mean, minimum five minutes, 20 would be good.
00:05:41.069 --> 00:05:53.870
But I mean, just where we and it was maybe surfacy stuff like how was your day, things like that. But it was also just a time for us to one on one connect and hey, what do we need to do? What needs to get done?
00:05:53.990 --> 00:05:56.550
How was work? What you know, what's stressing you out?
00:05:56.930 --> 00:05:58.629
Just a time for us to connect.
00:06:00.949 --> 00:06:15.170
OK, back to the article, communication either makes or breaks most relationships, you can improve your relationship today, right now by putting into practice some of these tips for improving communication in your relationship.
00:06:16.269 --> 00:06:20.829
And number one, I am very guilty of not doing this.
00:06:21.750 --> 00:06:23.189
Stop and listen.
00:06:23.930 --> 00:06:29.149
How many times have you heard someone say this or read it in an article about communication skills?
00:06:29.810 --> 00:06:33.350
How hard is it to actually do when you're in the moment?
00:06:33.949 --> 00:06:41.149
Harder than it sounds when we're when we're knee deep in a serious discussion or argument with our significant other.
00:06:41.250 --> 00:06:45.509
It's hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen.
00:06:45.949 --> 00:06:48.810
We're often so afraid of not being heard.
00:06:48.910 --> 00:06:50.449
We rush to keep talking.
00:06:51.209 --> 00:06:56.649
Ironically, such behavior makes it all more all the more likely that we won't be heard.
00:06:57.509 --> 00:06:59.389
I'm very guilty of this.
00:07:00.529 --> 00:07:07.689
Not that my subbie and I ever really argue much, but it has happened in the past.
00:07:07.870 --> 00:07:08.790
I mean, it's been very...
00:07:08.790 --> 00:07:13.509
Fuck, I can't remember the last argument we had, but I would suspect that it was...
00:07:13.509 --> 00:07:14.470
Oh, there's that word.
00:07:14.970 --> 00:07:20.209
We're going to do a tally of how many times I say suspect or I suspect.
00:07:21.209 --> 00:07:22.910
Apparently, it's a word I use frequently.
00:07:23.730 --> 00:07:30.930
I think, though, that that last argument that we had probably had something to do with our kids.
00:07:31.410 --> 00:07:33.790
Having a blended family is a real fucker.
00:07:34.970 --> 00:07:36.569
It has its rewards, too.
00:07:36.709 --> 00:07:50.410
But when you are in the early stages of it, which is probably the last time we had an argument, was in the early stages of our relationship or earlier stages of our relationship. And I suspect it was probably about one of our children.
00:07:53.430 --> 00:08:08.310
I am very aware of the fact that when we do argue, he will say one thing that he maybe doesn't mean. And I hyper focus on that and beat it to death in that argument.
00:08:09.149 --> 00:08:10.769
And I really try not to.
00:08:11.529 --> 00:08:18.470
I don't know. It's real hard for me to listen in an argument, too, because I have much to say. And of course, I feel like I'm always right.
00:08:19.129 --> 00:08:20.889
Not always the case.
00:08:21.730 --> 00:08:23.269
So stop and listen.
00:08:31.610 --> 00:08:33.649
Number two is force yourself to hear.
00:08:34.450 --> 00:08:43.889
You've stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say.
00:08:44.370 --> 00:08:47.330
So you're still not really hearing what is being said.
00:08:47.870 --> 00:09:02.389
Laugh all you want, but therapists have a technique that works very well that forces them to really hear what a client tells them, rephrasing what a person has just said to them. It's called reflection.
00:09:04.990 --> 00:09:08.149
See, I kind of already addressed that in my last comment.
00:09:08.870 --> 00:09:17.429
I have so much going on in my head that sometimes even when we're not arguing, just in general, he will say and we're both guilty of this, both of us.
00:09:19.460 --> 00:09:22.840
He'll say that he told me something and I do not remember him telling me.
00:09:23.179 --> 00:09:29.759
However, if you tell me something while I'm doing something else, chances are my ears are not working as they should.
00:09:31.779 --> 00:09:33.720
Same with him. What do you mean?
00:09:33.740 --> 00:09:35.000
You never told me about that.
00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:36.340
Sure fucking did.
00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:45.340
It does say this may upset your partner if you do it too much or you do it in a tone that suggests you're mocking rather than trying to seriously listen.
00:09:46.259 --> 00:09:59.899
So use the technique sparingly and let your partner know why you're doing it if they ask. Sometimes I don't think I'm getting what you're telling me and doing this lets me slow my mind down a bit and really try and hear what you're saying.
00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:03.039
I think this is a good point.
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:06.519
We learned this in school when I was going to school for H.R.
00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:18.460
It it talks about how you don't have to rephrase everything that they said, but pull maybe some key points out when you're talking or responding or whatever.
00:10:18.600 --> 00:10:26.000
And sometimes that can just be validating their feelings or just kind of validating what they said and showing them that you heard what they said.
00:10:29.379 --> 00:11:02.980
I think it's important to validate feelings or really know that you are hearing what your partner has to say if you're talking about lifestyle things, because if something happens and you've had a discussion and you maybe forgot, I don't know, the lifestyle can be tricky and it can absolutely cause a huge divide between the two of you. Like communication is so important and understanding and validating your partner's feelings, whatever they may be.
00:11:05.399 --> 00:11:13.370
OK, this is a good one, too.
00:11:13.730 --> 00:11:16.549
Number three, be open and honest with your partner.
00:11:17.470 --> 00:11:20.690
Some people have never been very open to others in their life.
00:11:20.809 --> 00:11:27.789
Heck, some people might not even know themselves or know much about their own real needs and desires.
00:11:28.090 --> 00:11:44.309
But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself. Little lies turn into big lies, hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invisibility might work for you, but won't work for most others.
00:11:44.990 --> 00:11:47.950
Pretending everything is all right isn't all right.
00:11:48.190 --> 00:12:01.809
And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert at night, these things may have worked for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication.
00:12:02.750 --> 00:12:09.549
Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life.
00:12:10.149 --> 00:12:15.509
It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner completely and unabashedly.
00:12:16.389 --> 00:12:17.870
I think that's how you say that word.
00:12:18.429 --> 00:12:29.190
It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment, but it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.
00:12:31.220 --> 00:12:33.320
I have never in my life.
00:12:34.659 --> 00:12:53.529
Been more open and honest with anyone than my subbie and maybe I don't know, there may have been a couple of friends that probably I mean, I have a couple of friends that know a lot about me, but my subbie also knows those things as well.
00:12:54.129 --> 00:13:04.610
I felt very relaxed with him from the get go and being open and honest with him about things that I would normally be embarrassed about talking about, like sex or things that turn me on.
00:13:05.350 --> 00:13:07.870
I never felt embarrassed to tell him those things.
00:13:08.110 --> 00:13:17.809
And I learned a lot about myself in the conversations that the two of us had about sex or different kinks or things like that.
00:13:18.149 --> 00:13:20.529
Things that maybe have always turned me on.
00:13:20.629 --> 00:13:23.970
And he pointed out and said, do you think maybe this is something you really enjoy?
00:13:24.970 --> 00:13:26.909
I never thought about it that way.
00:13:27.549 --> 00:14:07.519
He has really shaped who I am just by us having open and honest communication about things. I think if you can't be completely open and honest now, all that being said, I understand the damage that years and years of our relationship or even just a few months of our relationship with somebody who laughed at you for things or made fun of you for things that you maybe enjoyed or maybe it was just about your appearance or anything like that.
00:14:08.200 --> 00:14:12.799
I can't I understand to my core the damage that that causes.
00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:23.059
And I really think having somebody in your corner that truly unconditionally listens to you and allows you to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets.
00:14:24.179 --> 00:14:31.840
Is one of the most solid parts of having a healthy relationship and solid foundation to your relationship.
00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:41.179
I don't know that there's anything in this world that I would lie to my subbie about at all. Like there's nothing that I would hide from him.
00:14:41.620 --> 00:14:43.740
There's nothing I'm ashamed to tell him.
00:14:46.769 --> 00:14:48.149
I just think that.
00:14:49.730 --> 00:14:54.269
Everybody should have that one person and maybe it doesn't have to be your partner, but.
00:14:55.549 --> 00:14:57.149
I'm real glad mine is.
00:14:58.570 --> 00:14:59.090
Anyway.
00:15:00.250 --> 00:15:01.690
I say that a lot, too.
00:15:01.809 --> 00:15:02.210
Anyway.
00:15:09.049 --> 00:15:12.470
OK, number four, pay attention to nonverbal signs.
00:15:13.250 --> 00:15:15.029
Oh, I am not an observant person.
00:15:15.230 --> 00:15:16.169
This should be interesting.
00:15:17.669 --> 00:15:24.090
Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn't what we say, but how we say it.
00:15:24.470 --> 00:15:33.929
Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, how far away you are when you talk to someone else.
00:15:34.409 --> 00:15:41.049
Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying.
00:15:41.929 --> 00:15:56.250
Reading your partner's nonverbal skills takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they're really saying, such as folded arms in front of the person may mean they're feeling defensive or closed off.
00:15:56.929 --> 00:15:58.190
Lack of eye contact.
00:15:58.190 --> 00:15:59.929
OK, first of all, folded arms.
00:16:00.429 --> 00:16:03.789
I stand like that a lot or I sit like that a lot just because it's comfortable.
00:16:04.309 --> 00:16:06.070
I rest them right under my boobs.
00:16:06.669 --> 00:16:07.269
It's real comfortable.
00:16:09.029 --> 00:16:11.210
And I think I stand like that a lot, too.
00:16:12.610 --> 00:16:15.629
But I don't think I feel defensive or closed off when I do it.
00:16:16.830 --> 00:16:18.250
Self-evaluation time.
00:16:19.450 --> 00:16:27.370
Lack of eye contact may mean that they're not really interested in what you're saying, are ashamed of something or find it difficult to talk about something.
00:16:28.970 --> 00:16:30.990
I think I'm socially awkward.
00:16:31.690 --> 00:16:36.649
Sometimes it's hard for me to make eye contact because I don't want people to think I'm creepy. I don't.
00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:43.419
Maybe I need to be better at lack or at not lacking eye contact.
00:16:43.759 --> 00:16:46.120
I start staring people right in their pupils.
00:16:49.179 --> 00:16:55.860
Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved.
00:16:56.200 --> 00:16:59.960
It might also suggest they feel like they're not being heard or understood.
00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:04.940
I'm a real loud person, too, I think.
00:17:05.019 --> 00:17:06.240
I think I talk real loud.
00:17:09.180 --> 00:17:11.858
Hmm. I'm not a very good communicator.
00:17:12.460 --> 00:17:13.578
I always have my arms folded.
00:17:13.940 --> 00:17:15.420
Don't generally make eye contact.
00:17:15.799 --> 00:17:16.618
I'm real loud.
00:17:16.818 --> 00:17:19.400
I don't know if I'm aggressive, but I'm loud.
00:17:20.838 --> 00:17:23.338
Someone who's turned away from you when you.
00:17:24.380 --> 00:17:29.440
Someone who's turned away from you when talking to you may even may.
00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:30.960
Let's try this again.
00:17:31.299 --> 00:17:32.259
Oh, sorry about that.
00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:50.990
Someone who's turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off. I don't think I do that, but I am fucking loud, lack eye contact and bold arms. I don't know how much of this I believe because I.
00:17:53.369 --> 00:18:08.210
Maybe I'm generally interested in a lot of what people have to say, if you're I mean, if I'm talking to someone, I'm usually pretty engaged in the conversation, but I don't know if I. I'm going to have to be more observant about how I communicate.
00:18:12.190 --> 00:18:31.210
I don't know, I think now I'm trying to think if my subbie makes eye contact, it seems like sometimes when we're talking, we're both looking at our tablets or computers or phones. Sometimes I do get real bitchy about that, though, if he's looking at his phone and I'm talking to him, I'll stop talking to him until he's done looking at his phone.
00:18:31.910 --> 00:18:45.390
While he's probably more than capable of listening to what I have to say, I feel like if I wait until he's done doing what he's doing on his phone, he will retain what I'm telling him, though it's probably not anything life or death.
00:18:47.609 --> 00:18:52.250
Sometimes I feel like the information sticks better if he's not looking at his phone.
00:18:53.750 --> 00:19:00.990
All the while you're reading your partner's nonverbal signals, be aware of your own make and maintain eye contact.
00:19:01.150 --> 00:19:02.170
It's real hard for me.
00:19:02.890 --> 00:19:10.069
Keep a neutral body stance, also real hard for me, and the tone of your voice and sit next to the person when you're talking to them.
00:19:10.369 --> 00:19:17.289
I can sit next to a person when they're talking to me, but sometimes I don't want people in my bubble. Back up, stay out of my bubble.
00:19:18.750 --> 00:19:24.029
Tone of my voice, I think the tone of my voice is pretty accurate.
00:19:24.170 --> 00:19:27.450
I think that my tone changes with whatever my brain is feeling.
00:19:27.450 --> 00:19:29.970
So it's might be pretty accurate.
00:19:31.349 --> 00:19:36.930
Number five, stay focused on, stay focused in the here and now.
00:19:37.470 --> 00:19:43.750
Sometimes discussions turn into arguments that can morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink.
00:19:44.289 --> 00:19:53.009
To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion or argument focused on the topic at hand.
00:19:53.410 --> 00:20:00.750
While it's easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, just don't.
00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:04.910
If the argument is about who's making dinner tonight, keep it to that topic.
00:20:06.009 --> 00:20:15.109
Don't veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who's responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink.
00:20:16.349 --> 00:20:42.410
I think my subbie is probably the only partner that I can honestly say I don't do this to. If we are arguing again, we don't do that very often, but we are both very conscious of the fact that we do not bring up past things, whether it is past people, past actions, past arguments, past mistakes that we have hopefully learned from and moved on.
00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:49.920
Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger.
00:20:49.920 --> 00:20:58.859
One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally.
00:20:59.819 --> 00:21:07.920
But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, look, I can see this isn't going to get any better by discussing it tonight.
00:21:08.339 --> 00:21:12.500
Let's sleep on it and try and talk about it with fresh eyes in the morning, OK?
00:21:13.920 --> 00:21:16.039
Oh, I sleep like shit if we do that.
00:21:16.460 --> 00:21:24.380
I think that's only happened a couple of times in our entire relationship where we just have to go to bed and sleep it off.
00:21:24.579 --> 00:21:25.740
But I sleep like shit.
00:21:26.259 --> 00:21:31.680
And generally I wake up bitchy in the morning, which lately I've just been waking up bitchy in the morning.
00:21:32.619 --> 00:21:37.819
Never really been much of a morning person, but lately I've been a real cunt in the morning and I don't know why.
00:21:38.740 --> 00:21:42.460
Maybe I'm not sleeping well or he's doing something naughty in my dreams.
00:21:43.019 --> 00:21:44.640
Hard to say. Not good naughty.
00:21:46.259 --> 00:21:48.960
So I agree with this one 100 percent.
00:21:49.339 --> 00:21:53.240
Try to really not bring up things in the past.
00:21:55.329 --> 00:22:16.849
If something that your partner did to you in the past still really bothers you, you have to sit with that and figure out why it still bothers you and maybe sit down in a calm manner or a calm fashion and discuss it with your partner or figure out how you can heal yourself and let that fucking go and move on.
00:22:18.109 --> 00:22:19.410
It's not easy.
00:22:19.750 --> 00:22:21.309
It's really not easy.
00:22:21.789 --> 00:22:25.470
I also can feel that one to my core.
00:22:26.089 --> 00:22:32.410
It is real hard to let go of things that really hurt in the past.
00:22:33.289 --> 00:22:40.269
But if you're still with that person that did something hurtful to you.
00:22:41.390 --> 00:22:43.289
You got to figure out how to let it go.
00:22:43.410 --> 00:22:45.049
It can't keep coming up in arguments.
00:22:45.049 --> 00:22:48.750
It is not healthy and eventually it will ruin your relationship.
00:22:56.000 --> 00:23:02.420
Number six, try to minimize emotion when talking about important big decisions.
00:23:03.259 --> 00:23:06.900
Nobody can talk about important big matters if they feel emotional a bit.
00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:09.779
I do not know what's up my mouth.
00:23:10.200 --> 00:23:11.599
Maybe I need to put a wiener in it.
00:23:12.180 --> 00:23:18.339
Big matters if they feel emotionally vulnerable or charged up and angry.
00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:26.980
Those are not times to talk about the serious issues like money, getting married, the kids or retirement.
00:23:27.660 --> 00:23:45.890
You might think it impossible or even big word or struggle or even contradictory to talk about an emotional topic like getting married or having children without emotion.
00:23:46.410 --> 00:23:54.269
And yet these discussions need to keep a foothold of rationality to them in order to not gloss over the realities that they bring.
00:23:54.269 --> 00:24:01.390
Marriage, for instance, brings the combining of households and living with another person day to day.
00:24:01.950 --> 00:24:15.109
Having kids isn't just about cute toddler clothes and painting a nursery, but talking about who's going to change diapers, feed the newborn and be available at all hours of the day and night for months on end.
00:24:18.529 --> 00:24:19.490
I don't know.
00:24:21.720 --> 00:24:26.539
I don't know that there was ever a whole bunch of emotion in us deciding to move in together.
00:24:26.539 --> 00:24:34.049
We should have had those discussions in past relationships for fucking sure.
00:24:34.509 --> 00:24:37.910
But I think that's a good one.
00:24:45.690 --> 00:24:50.170
Seven, be ready to seed an argument.
00:24:53.539 --> 00:25:02.740
How many times do we continue to argue or have a heated discussion because we simply want to be right?
00:25:03.339 --> 00:25:05.940
Oh, there is that.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:11.119
I've talked about this sense of needing to win arguments more than once.
00:25:11.420 --> 00:25:22.200
Why? Because so many of couples arguments revolve around one party thinking they are right and the other party not willing to concede to the point or back off.
00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:27.480
In fact, though, both parties need to back off.
00:25:28.259 --> 00:25:35.480
By doing this, you by doing this, are you giving up a piece of yourself by compromising and not insisting on how right you are?
00:25:35.940 --> 00:25:39.339
Well, that's sometimes the only thing you can decide.
00:25:40.559 --> 00:25:46.180
Would you rather be in a happy relationship where you respect the other person, even if you may occasionally disagree with them?
00:25:46.460 --> 00:25:51.500
Or would you rather be in an unhappy relationship where you know you're always right no matter what?
00:25:52.099 --> 00:25:53.799
It just comes down to your priorities.
00:25:54.559 --> 00:26:05.059
If being right is more important than you, if being right is more important to you than your partner's happiness, then perhaps you have not found the right partner.
00:26:07.460 --> 00:26:09.220
I sure do like to be right.
00:26:09.579 --> 00:26:13.339
However, I'm pretty good about admitting when I'm wrong.
00:26:14.339 --> 00:26:15.759
As is my subbie.
00:26:17.039 --> 00:26:24.339
And most of the time he just I don't I don't know if this is really an issue for us in the past.
00:26:25.200 --> 00:26:37.079
There were times not with my subbie, but in past relationships, there were times I fucking knew I was right, fucking knew I was right and I could have proved I was right. But listen, you got to choose your battles.
00:26:38.259 --> 00:26:45.519
I didn't have the energy for the argument that was going to ensue from proving that that motherfucker was wrong.
00:26:46.160 --> 00:26:48.240
I know a little aggression about it yet.
00:26:50.119 --> 00:26:53.900
Number eight, humor and playfulness usually help.
00:26:54.900 --> 00:27:09.819
You don't have to be funny in order to use humor and playfulness in everyday conversations, you just need to use the sense of humor you do have and try to and try to inject it into more of your communications with your partner.
00:27:10.759 --> 00:27:17.000
Humor helps lighten everyday frustrations and helps put things into perspective more gently than other methods.
00:27:20.319 --> 00:27:29.079
Playfulness reminds us that even as adults, we all have a side to us that enjoys fun and taking a break from the seriousness of work and other demands made on us.
00:27:30.680 --> 00:27:35.200
First thing that comes to mind when I read this is my subbie and I have this little game that we play.
00:27:35.640 --> 00:27:39.680
It's real fun, makes everything kind of dirty.
00:27:41.039 --> 00:27:49.180
But if one of us says something that even remotely sounds dirty, we'll use the word often or never.
00:27:50.319 --> 00:27:52.400
It's a fun game we play in front of the kids.
00:27:52.539 --> 00:27:54.119
Most of the time they don't catch on.
00:27:54.539 --> 00:27:55.599
Our kids are older.
00:27:55.940 --> 00:27:59.920
I mean, obviously my 11 year old doesn't catch on.
00:27:59.920 --> 00:28:08.690
But for instance, I don't know, like if I'm doing something, I'm like, gosh, this is really hard to get off.
00:28:08.930 --> 00:28:12.250
My husband will say never or rarely, often or rarely.
00:28:13.250 --> 00:28:21.470
You know, he'll make a comment of rarely or often as in relation to our sex life or just dirtiness in general.
00:28:22.150 --> 00:28:32.259
It's a fun way we kind of make each other giggle and it's kind of our own fun little game. Nine, communicating is more than just talking.
00:28:32.819 --> 00:28:38.079
To communicate better and more effectively in your relationship, you don't have to talk.
00:28:38.559 --> 00:28:45.940
You can communicate in other ways through your actions and nowadays electronically, too, through email, Facebook, blogs, texting or Twitter.
00:28:46.359 --> 00:28:53.660
All too often, couples focus on talking on the talking aspect of their relationship, but your actions also speak loudly.
00:28:54.599 --> 00:29:03.079
Keeping in touch throughout the day or week through email or other electronic means also reminds the person you're thinking about them and how important they are in your life.
00:29:03.799 --> 00:29:10.819
Even if such communications are mainly playful or inconsequential, they can help lighten your partner's day and improve their mood.
00:29:11.599 --> 00:29:21.720
Some couples also find that using email and another method email or another method is easier to discuss emotional issues rather than trying to do so face to face.
00:29:22.299 --> 00:29:30.859
It's something to consider if every time you try to bring up a particular topic with your significant other, it turns into an argument or they shy away from it.
00:29:32.440 --> 00:30:14.210
Email or texting may be a way of communicating about such matters more openly and directly. OK, I'm terrible at this because I think this is a great way to communicate about things that you're maybe not comfortable talking to your partner about face to face because in the beginning, things that maybe were brought up, I think some of it was brought up via phone or text because it was very new and my reaction wasn't, I don't know, my reaction wasn't bad, but he didn't know what my reaction was going to be like and he felt more confident in what he had to say because he can be kind of a keyboard warrior, my subbie.
00:30:16.210 --> 00:30:16.609
So.
00:30:18.650 --> 00:30:23.529
Doing email or texting is great, my biggest.
00:30:25.250 --> 00:30:36.230
Dislike of either is I don't know if I have like emotional dyslexia, I have emotional dicklexia or dyslexia.
00:30:37.009 --> 00:30:39.630
I think that I interpret things.
00:30:40.869 --> 00:30:47.910
Not the way they're intended or I say things and they're interpreted not the way they were intended.
00:30:48.809 --> 00:31:05.359
That's why I feel a face to face conversation for me personally is so much better because I think things go from my eyes to my brain the first time I read it one way and then I go back and I read it again and it comes back a completely different way.
00:31:07.660 --> 00:31:12.640
I think I do much better with verbal communication rather than written, but.
00:31:14.019 --> 00:31:22.319
I don't know, I mean, this could I mean, we had some pretty in-depth conversations in the very early stages of our relationship because we were two hours away from each other.
00:31:23.099 --> 00:31:29.119
So all of what I just said is one thing, but I did do this for quite some time.
00:31:29.819 --> 00:31:36.019
I much prefer now to do it face to face, but we've still had some pretty good conversations.
00:31:37.740 --> 00:31:39.440
My subbie is very good at.
00:31:40.859 --> 00:31:41.380
Discerning.
00:31:42.839 --> 00:31:53.579
My mood or I don't know if I use that right, because, you know, big words on a Sunday night is not a good thing for me after a vacation for a week, but.
00:31:55.299 --> 00:32:00.579
He's very good at making sure I understand exactly how he's bringing his point across.
00:32:00.819 --> 00:32:03.980
And at the point we're at now, I know him well enough.
00:32:05.200 --> 00:32:12.559
To know his moods or how he is approaching a situation or how he's talking to me.
00:32:13.400 --> 00:32:24.700
I can, I can interpret that through the text or I know that, you know, something might come off as being dickheadish, but it's not or, you know, whatever the case may be.
00:32:25.240 --> 00:32:27.440
I would be leery or not leery.
00:32:27.700 --> 00:32:38.779
I would just be cautious with emails and text messages about important conversations when it comes to lifestyle things or your feelings.
00:32:39.119 --> 00:32:41.960
It might be easier to talk about your feelings through a text.
00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:45.539
Just make sure it's coming across right, maybe.
00:32:47.079 --> 00:32:54.380
Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time, but you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of these tips.
00:32:54.779 --> 00:32:57.720
They won't all work, nor will they all work all the time.
00:32:58.380 --> 00:33:05.900
Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride.
00:33:13.500 --> 00:33:19.140
So to kind of wrap this up, I have said this since probably episode one.
00:33:20.220 --> 00:33:23.579
Communication is key, just like your lifestyle.
00:33:24.299 --> 00:33:25.779
Everybody communicates differently.
00:33:26.359 --> 00:33:27.859
Everybody has their own dynamic.
00:33:28.900 --> 00:33:37.420
If you are in a new relationship with someone and you are not sure of how they communicate or you feel like you're taking something they're saying wrong.
00:33:38.680 --> 00:33:42.880
Just be open, like, you know, address it.
00:33:43.160 --> 00:33:47.960
Hey, you said this and I kind of felt like you, this is how it kind of made me feel.
00:33:47.960 --> 00:33:48.960
Was that your intention?
00:33:49.420 --> 00:34:07.539
Or I think if people could stop, for lack of a better word, pussyfooting around things, I mean, why do we have to feel guilty about expressing how we feel?
00:34:07.638 --> 00:34:10.159
How come people are embarrassed by their feelings?
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:11.400
Like, when did this happen?
00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:13.260
Has this been around forever?
00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:16.659
I mean, just say how you feel.
00:34:16.659 --> 00:34:22.400
Can you imagine all the miscommunications you could get rid of if you would just be like, whoa, that fucking hurt my feelings.
00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:23.619
Why did you do that?
00:34:24.460 --> 00:34:27.920
I think sometimes people hurt your feelings and don't even fucking realize they're hurting your feelings.
00:34:29.619 --> 00:34:32.480
I think open communication and don't be embarrassed.
00:34:32.840 --> 00:34:35.480
You are allowed to feel how you fucking feel.
00:34:35.760 --> 00:34:39.760
Don't ever let anybody make you feel bad because you feel a certain way.
00:34:40.539 --> 00:34:42.699
And maybe you won't always feel that way.
00:34:42.699 --> 00:34:57.519
Maybe if you sit down and talk about why you feel this way, you'll realize something that maybe is in you that you can change so you don't feel that way anymore. Self-work is a bitch, but the reward is worth it.
00:34:58.960 --> 00:35:02.519
Anyway, enough of my rambling for this wonderful Sunday.
00:35:03.420 --> 00:35:05.920
I hope everybody had a fantastic week.
00:35:06.539 --> 00:35:09.059
I hope you have a fantastic week coming up.
00:35:10.400 --> 00:35:11.940
I have no idea.
00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:16.219
I would really like to have my campground friends on the podcast next week.
00:35:16.300 --> 00:35:22.239
They were supposed to be on this week, but we did not have all the supplies supplies to make that happen.
00:35:23.159 --> 00:35:25.480
I would really like it to happen next week.
00:35:25.960 --> 00:35:27.139
So that is my goal.
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:29.579
To have them on.
00:35:29.820 --> 00:35:31.639
And I think you guys will all love them.
00:35:31.719 --> 00:35:34.280
They're fantastic people, as I keep saying.
00:35:36.199 --> 00:35:37.599
Be good human beings.
00:35:37.780 --> 00:35:39.039
Have a fantastic week.
00:35:39.059 --> 00:35:42.800
And I can't wait to talk to you next week.
00:35:43.119 --> 00:35:44.519
Take care. Love you all.
